Saturday, February 6, 2010

ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL? ~ International Interview by Michael J Solender of Harbinger*33

~ International Interview
by Michael J Solender with
some non-gridiron guys gone global

EDITOR/THEATRE OWNER'S NOTATION:  I asked Michael if he thought it would be as cool an idea as I pondered, to check in on some of our esteemed writer pals around the spin o'the globe as to their spin on Who-Will-Win or what was up in their country regarding America's NFL finale to the reason the seasons of autum/winter were really kicked off . . . I tell ya folks, the golfer guy, the soul of Solender, the well-loved reporter fella with nuttin' but knows for news caught that Hail Mary Mikey pass and ran it up the line with no flags on his wordplay. Like Sinatra though, he did it his way. Regrets I have a few ~ but then again, too few to mention ... as I'm lovin' this SuperBowl Weekend with all its pomp and pagentry and my terrible towel from Steeler victories . . . so I gave you his hilarity . . . without contention:

The Stupid Bowl. Sunday February 7.  < {Michael called it this. Katie never would!}

That great all-American past time. Chips, dips, beer, dogs, beer, pizza, beer. You get the picture.

The entire nation shuts down to watch an over hyped and usually pretty lousy spectacle. This year we’ll be entertained at half-time by guys that are old enough to be our grandparents. Who? Yeah Them. 60 second spots go for upwards of $3 mil. as so many eyeballs are said to be glued to the tube.

It got me thinking: (OK *Katie planted a bug in my ear and we will share the findings at our respective corners of the web) What is the rest of the world doing while the world-revolves-around-us-Americans are getting a massive dose of indigestion and making fools ourselves at the neighbors?

Inquiring minds want to know!

News-hound (read:whore) that I am I set out to ask some folks who really are NOT from here to give me their take on this non-event everywhere but here.

Who better to ignore us, than the Chinese? For their take I went to our man behind the red curtain Dan Stine.

The Brits pretty much hate us after they found Tony Blair in the rack with Bush 1 and 2 so I’ve asked my pal Lee Hughes to give me the whole wonking truth from across the Atlantic.

The Aussies are still living off our good graces in welcoming Olivia Neutron Bomb lo those many years ago and letting her dance with Travolta. Paul Phillips will give us the view from the penal colony.

What follows are excerpts from my recent chat with these global fellows. Enjoy.

MJS: Does anyone in your country give a rip about the Super Bowl?

PP: We have salad bowls, toilet bowls, lawn bowls, dust bowls and possibly Camilla Parker-Bowles as a future Queen. What is this ‘Super’ Bowl of which you speak?

LH: No one gives a stuff.

DS: It is rarely mentioned, if at all.

MJS: Hmm I see. Well, I believe Football has an entirely different meaning in your country, what do residents there make of "American Football?"

DS: They usually pantomime someone holding a football in tuck position and smile somewhat blankly.

LH: Isn't it like rugby, but with padding and helmets, bunch of girls, your lot.

PP: We can make a hat, a submarine, a telescope...sorry, what was the question?

MJS: Moving along, Does anyone there have any idea where Indianapolis is located?

LH: Somewhere North of Mexico and South of Alaska?

PP: Isn’t that the place where race car drivers go around and around and around a square track and the winner is the last driver to fall asleep from boredom?

DS: It would take me, on average, ten minutes of intense oral work just to teach them how to say Indianapolis, and the next session would find the word removed from short term and long term memory banks.

MJS: Oh my. Good thing it wasn’t Minnesota then! OK. Will the game even be televised there? What time?

PP: Due to the massive popularity of the sport, it will more than likely be shown in August.

DS: No idea. I suspect there will be a broadcast on one of the Hong Kong stations and the westerner-owned bars in town will broadcast it and have a super bowl party attended mostly by ex-pats and their students.

LH: I think it's shown on an obscure sports channel on satellite telly.

MJS: That’s good to know! Do people watch (other than Americans)?

DS: Ex-pats and their students.

LH: Never heard anyone saying, "Did you watch the game last night, that linebacker was shit.

PP: Do people watch what? Oh, the football? Let me just run around and do a quick survey....just a still there?

MJS: I’m starting to get the picture. Are there "Super Bowl" Parties? What types of special foods are enjoyed while watching American Football?

PP: I am guessing that this is some sort of “Tupperware Party” equivalent. I think they have cake and cookies.

LH: There are no "Super Bowl" parties, sounds like a Tupperware gathering.

DS: There are three westerner bars in my town that I am aware of. Two are owned by the same guy, A Canadian, the other is owned by a German. The Canadian owned bars will offer Super Bowl parties along with food specials that scratch the culinary surface of the event, chicken wings without the great sauce, French fries, baked not fried, maybe pizza but low on the cheeses and again, no great sauce or even decent crust. There will be ample beer at super-inflated prices and of course, peanuts. It’s the one thing they got right here in China. Peanuts. The German guy will probably broadcast the game but you won’t be able to hear it over the Philippine rock band mangling a mix of classic rock and reggae.

MJS: Kind-of a Rasta event, perfect for Miami. Bob Marley rules! In the US, the commercials (advertisements) that debut on the Super Bowl are as much a tradition as the game itself and are usually quite entertaining - Does this tradition carry over to your country?

DS: Nope. The Chinese watching the ads would probably not get it since most of the ads are sort of like inside jokes.

LH: No the advertisers would rather seek a more important commercial spot between segments of Coronation Street.

PP: Oh yes, the commercials make the game even more (yawn!) exciting...honest!!

MJS: Observations on the game from you?

PP: More body protection than the Riot Squad, a breather after every play so the ‘athletes’ can have a rest, television time—outs so the sponsors can push their products, half-time entertainment (I use that word loosely) from has-been or never-were musicians. Sounds like a great waste of 4 hours!!!

LH: As said previously, a girls version of rugby.

DS: When in the US I enjoyed watching the game with friends, paid marginal attention to the regular season. One year I was involved in a football pool at work and I had Peyton Manning as my QB. I always liked that guy.

MJS: Yes and you like burnt toast too I suppose. Finally, Your predicted winner and score.

DS: Colts by 14

PP: Product Sales +50% - Entertainment Value 0

LH: New York Yankees 7 – L.A Lakers 3

And there you have it! He ....could.....go...all...the...wayyyy (to sleep)!

Geaux Saints! Who dat? 

(c) 2010 ~ Author Michael J. Solender with the global guys

What can we say AT THE BIJOU about our gallant guru pal ~ colleague of knowledge and wit aboard the mighty HARBINGER*33, and in the world as we know it? That he's the catcher of the wry? Well there's nothing we can say that Michael J Solender (J for Joy or surely you Joust?), hasn't said a thousand times over at his notable NOT. Michael would want me to unshamefully plug, plug, plug you to venture a tried and true trek over there ~ it's the neighbourhood saloon just up the street from AT THE BIJOU. So go, see ... feel ... laugh ... nod at the NOT ... get grin ... sometimes even sensate within.

As for those other mocking-my-sport boys? Ahhh, come back to Double*Feature Tuesday and get a load of how zenful friend Daniel Stine of the mighty HARBINGER*33 lifts the red curtain to write and chime out. The out-landish Lee and Paul? You'll see them all here folks, AT THE BIJOU. They're dashing and daring, smashing and caring Coming*Attractions ~ how could it be otherwise?

(non-gridiron) GUYS!

~ Absolutely Steeler*Kate
and the staff of renown, AT THE BIJOU


Paul D Brazill said...

What a laugh. Sorry I couldn't get into this. Nie ma czasu, as they say here....

When I 1st came to Poland they showed it on one of the channels. Poles were quite into American things then.

Since Poland joined the EU - and when Dudek played for Liverpool -it's been not stop proper football.

It's not any of the main channels. Might be on a cable sport one, I suppose.

I watched it a couple of times in the old days before all night TV. They stop a lot, don't they?

I have almost no interest in sport so it's clearly not for me.

Unknown said...

Great fun this - well done, guys.
Be it known that some of my Brit mates are really into this...alas, wrong shaped ball for me!

Kate Pilarcik ~ absolutely said...

YIPPEE for your Brit mates Col and thanks for comin' round, AT THE BIJOU. Please help yourself to drinks and delectables up at the SUGAR BOWL SHACK and take some back for the boys. ~ Absolutely*Kate

Well Paul - straight and true ever are you. But at the sport of tossin' back a few, I'll take ya on. Meet'up with the crowd at the Sugar Bowl Shack. Drinks on the house all weekend. ~ Kkkkkatie (who knew you'd like it when I loved your RatPack review)

Kate Pilarcik ~ absolutely said...

Once again, appreciate you Michael for doing this interview and Daniel, Paul and Lee for the obvious glee you had in putting out your best good wry guy voices . . . but ~

Gosh. All this bashing about a sport that brings seasons alive . . . vibrant . . . kickin' ... Sundays, Monday nights and some Thursdays shall not be quite the same. I just adore a Gershwin tune, a Saint Saens symphony, galleries, good intentions, sailing with the wind in my hair, a butter pecan ice cream cone, eaten slow and seductively, pinot grigio *clinked* just right, the Yankees winning the pennant and the NFL. too. On Bradshaw, on Cowher on Shannon so sharp -- on standings, on rivalries, on prowess, on form -- on gadget plays, wildcats, shotguns and pocket presence.

~ Absolutely Steeler*Kate, coming alive each first and ten again, with the loving memories of Pennsylvania-bred father and uncles from real football country days