Thursday, February 4, 2010

SURRENDER IS NOT AN OPTION; I MAY HAVE TO KILL MY MANNY ~ By Karen Schindler


Surrender Is Not an Option; 
I may have to kill my Manny
~ by Karen Schindler

Salivating at the sight of a twisties truck is never a good sign.
Giving up cigarettes was hard enough. Giving up the fake orange cheesy goodness of twisties had been murder. If Sam takes one more thing from me "for the good of the baby" I swear I'll strangle him with the pair of rubber gloves that he keeps under the sink to protect his soft girly hands when he's scrubbing the oven.
My lovely wife Kelli, mother of our beloved and absolutely perfect and of course gifted two month old Hannah, had her heart set on keeping our Manny, but by god, I was here first and a man should feel comfortable in his own home.
Being bossed by the baby watcher hadn't been in my game plan when we talked about the joys of parenting. I mean, the LOOKS I get just for having coffee. You'd think that I was mainlining heroin or something.
Just because Kelli is breast feeding Hannah why does Sam think that I have to give up caffeine too? Kelli was never a caffeine addict and it was a piece of cake for her to kick coffee and tea. She even said that she may not go back to having caffeine after she weaned the baby.

Blasphemy!
I have been drinking coffee since I was a teen and going without coffee in the morning is not an option I want to live with. Without a java jump start I could easily wander out into traffic and not even notice a giant purple bus bearing down on me.
I know this for a fact, because yesterday when I ventured out sans coffee to buy a baby alive doll for our beautiful daughter after Sam had "accidentally" thrown out all of my coffee beans, I stepped off the curb and almost got hit by a double decker.
The only reason that I'm not dead is Russell. Russell, with his tiny spectacles, wild mop of curly orange hair, constant conversation about American Idol and his non stop noting of every bird he sees in his red notebook.
The red notebook that he carries everywhere, and can ONLY be notated into with a blue pen.
Russell saw me in the crosswalk with the bus bearing down on me and shoved me clear of the collision. His cell phone was the only casualty. It tumbled out of his shirt pocket and was squashed under the wheels of the bus as they went round and round.
I promptly took him to a kiosk and bought him a new one.
He was most appreciative and we spent the next couple of hours talking and drinking coffee. I found out that he was gay, new to the city and had only come out in the last couple of months. He was looking for a steady relationship with someone who had a good idea of who they were, and where life was taking them. A take charge kind of guy.
I think that Russell and Sam may be a match made in heaven.
I've invited Russell to brunch on Sunday. If Sam starts getting laid on a regular basis maybe he'll loosen up and allow coffee and twisties back into the house.
Then maybe I'll stop having daydreams about murdering him in his sleep.
It is remotely possible that I'll get used to going without coffee.
But I really miss those cheesy orange bastards.

(c) 2009 ~ Author Karen Schindler

KATE:  Well Karen, I've been coming across some of your writing and leaving with more of a wry, spread out smile than when I'd first traipsed in on the discovery. Realizing Karen from Mentor . . . (as in Ohio, as in not that far from my once-upon-a-homeland), had a barge-in muse and a Jebadiah gigundous house plant that hovers near your tip-tap-type of creation peaked the pique of my curiousity in your snappy writing all the more. Along comes that crazy wild Laura creature luring me to your hilarious Yammering interview (which secured the launch of her rockstar career), and we just had to ask you to entertain up on the bigscreen AT THE BIJOU with that voodoo that you do so well. Why don't you tell the nice folks in the plush rows what you usually tell nice folks?

KAREN:  Well Kate, I write even when I'm not writing. As a lover of words my whole life I'm amazed and awed when I can string sentences together that impact another person. Currently I spend many pleasant hours as the managing editor of Pow Fast Flash Fiction, and my fiction, poetry and essays have been or are about to be published in Eclectic Flash, Voxpoetica, WeirdYear, Flashes in the Dark , Blink/Ink, InkNode and both online and in the print anthology of the 52 Stitches 2010 line up. And now I'm Double*Featuring AT THE BIJOU where writers' raves become readers' faves. Did you just make me say that Kate?

KATE: Must be the mesmerizing heat from the kleig lights Karen. You never really know what will happen AT THE BIJOU. Well, THE SHADOW knows. So, are there elements of truth to what Laura stage whispered in a smoky haze about how you two met? She insists a cave was involved.

KAREN:  As to where we met, it was in a dark cavern on a moonless night .... Laura broke out of the pentagram....and well, she's just so damn cute that I had to keep her.

KATE: Yep. Definitely the heat from the kleigs. So glad you're showing up on our big screen and enjoying the candy counter so well. Will you come back this SuperBowl weekend for the grand-opening of the Super Bijou Sugar Bowl Shack's sweet renderings?

KAREN:  Oh Kate, that's a delicious invitation. Thanks for asking me here to upstage Laura . . . and while you're encouraging shame'free plugging, will you and the huge following AT THE BIJOU be sure to visit me and more of my work at Miscellaneous Yammering where there's always something to make you smile?

KATE:  I'm smilin' now Karen, and have been enjoying your Yammering, as I'm sure the line out the door will as well.They may even enjoy some more cheese twisties to those tricky plot dilemmas in your stories.

Thanks Karen for your talents, warmth and wit,

~ Absolutely*Kate 
and the fine staff of renown
AT THE BIJOU

10 comments:

Jeanette Cheezum said...

Wow! Karen, I feel like I've been on a roller coaster. Give that poor person a cheese twistie. :)

Michael Solender said...

Oh Yes, cheese twisties all around. and a super huge latte. Nice piece Karen, very biting.

Marisa Birns said...

Oh, you've written a lovely piece of almost-slash! Without all the details, but maybe down the road...

"If Sam starts getting laid on a regular basis maybe he'll loosen up..." made me LAUGH out loud and spit out those precious last drops of coffee in my cup. *grumble*

Only have potato chips in the house, so they'll have to do for now.

Loved your story. Oh. Can I take some of the popcorn?

Harry said...

I think Sam might also use those rubber gloves to keep his girly fingers from turning tell-tale orange when he's chowing down on the confiscated cheese twisties. Nice write Karen!

Laura Eno said...

Love your story, Karen! Now will you quit throwing cheesy twists into the air?

Karen from Mentor said...

But it's so much fun! Especially when they stick to the ceiling.

Thanks for stopping in everybody.

Karen :0)

Absolutely*Kate said...

Well ... ambiance is what ambiance does. You were certainly ready for your closeup Ms Schindler ... Your characters have "keep this storyline adventurously running" all over it.

So ... we have an orange glaze on the ceiling now right? This'll go with the art deco chandeliers we got from Greta Garbo's old place?

THANKS KAREN! ~ Absolutely*Kate and the staff of renown with the flaky orange specks on their shoulderblades.

~Tim said...

A manny that cleans the oven? Maybe I should hire him to watch my puppies -- but he better not try to take away MY coffee!

Cascade Lily said...

What price paid help? Love how you wove all the strands together Karen :) Now where at those twisties...

Paul D. Brazill said...

Lovely, from the first line onwards it ducks and dives.

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