Tuesday, March 23, 2010

IN THE EYE OF THE BEHOLDER ~ By Madame Z and Harry B. Sanderford of Harbinger*33

In The Eye Of The Beholder
~ By the intrepid Madam Z and Harry B. Sanderford

A cowgirl in a yellow sundress crouches behind a big rock on the beach, reloading.  Her name is Sal and right now she's no one's pal.  She's madder'n a bull with his nuts in a vise.  She takes aim again at Sam, that son-of-a-bitch who's running away as fast as his bowlegs can carry him, zipping in and out of the surf to make himself harder to hit.  Sal knows that Sam knows that the sun's in her eyes, so she can hardly see.  Why is the sun in her eyes, you ask?  Because the no-good cocksucker has her wide-brimmed cowgirl hat and her fringed leather vest, skirt and boots in that bag he's got slung over his back.  A girl lets down her guard for a few minutes, to take a nap on the beach, and what happens?  She wakes up in a goddamn yellow sundress for chrissake, while the guy she thought she could trust is hightailing it down the beach, probably headed for the nearest pawnshop.
Sam’s not heading for any pawnshop. He’s booking for cover so’s he can hide out ‘til Sally either simmers down or runs outta bullets. As long as they’ve been ridin' together, Sam has accepted her hard drinkin’ and her ornery fightin'. Her temper has a hair trigger and her fury, if unleashed upon someone who does not happen to be yourself, is a spectacle unparalleled and a marvel to behold. He's turned a deaf ear to her coarse language and for the most part a blind eye to what could charitably be called her rough exterior.  Sam was the one cowboy on the whole planet who saw something beautiful in Sally. He loved her just as she was, warts and all - and I mean we’re talkin’ real warts here, hairy ones, not no metaphorical warts.  She sure was purty in that yeller sundress...well, at least 'fore she woke up, he thought, diving behind a trash barrel as it caught a ricochet.

DAMN!  That was my last goddamn bullet!  What's wrong with me? Sal thought.  I never miss!  She stood up and threw her empty pistol as hard and far as she could, in Sam's general direction.  And then, she became aware of a strange sensation creeping up through her chest, her throat and then her eyes, and then some kind of salty, watery stuff was squirting out of her eyes and down her cheeks.  What the hell?  

It's...it's...TEARS!  Christ almighty!

"SAM!" she screamed.  Come back here, you ornery polecat!  And bring me my real clothes.  I feel like a candyass whore in this stupid sundress!”  She started ripping off the dress and running through the wet sand toward the trash barrel, where Sam stood, prepared to run in either direction, toward her or away from her, depending on the look in her eye as she got closer.

Running naked up the beach Sal was a kinetic study of the female form fashioned from phone books.  Her pigeon-toed gait, rocking her head left and right, was the saving grace that kept her pendulous breasts from blacking both her eyes.  Sam saw Bo Derek, in the beach scene from “10.” 

Sal was still too far away for Sam to hear her shouts, but he took her getting naked on the beach and running towards him, (plus the fact that she’d stopped shooting at him) as a good sign and decided to shuck his own duds and meet her halfway.

At this point, the laws of Physics took over.  Two hefty Masses approaching one another at increasing Accelerations resulted in a Forceful collision that sent them smack down hard, into the sand and surf, where they commenced to rolling back and forth in each other's wake.  When their heads cleared, they scooted toward each other like two sand crabs in heat.  Sam pulled Sally to her feet and gasped in pleasant surprise.  The friction from the coarse sand had scraped every one of those hairy warts off of her, making her even prettier than he had thought possible.  Standing there together, the setting sun haloing Sal’s wild thatch of red curls, Sam felt he was the luckiest man alive. He sensed Sally had cooled off and he knew this was the perfect time. So he dropped to one knee and asked his gal Sal for her big ol' cracked and calloused hand in marriage.

Sam had become something of an expert at misreading Sally’s moods. If he’d been better at it, he might have ducked instead of catching her haymaker square on his left ear. The blow sent him cartwheeling back into the surf, sucking about half the Atlantic Ocean up his nose as he sank to the bottom, looking up through the wavering water at the funhouse version of his sweet saddle-tramp Sally. Seeing her through this new lens was something of an eye opener for Sam. He lay on the bottom, watching her pitching and stomping around above him. Her antics were those of a dance he’d seen before and of which he knew the progression. Right now she would be calling him a sidewinder and if she had a chaw she’d punctuate the accusation with a brown spurt of tobacco before swinging wildly at the air in front of her. Sam grinned, a bubble escaping his mouth as Sally pantomimed his predictions up above.  Sam didn’t know it, but he was looking at Sally in a way he never had before. Objectively. And you know what? She still rocked his world.

Still smiling, Sam closed his eyes and pictured Sally coming down the aisle toward him, wearing a purty, white bridal gown.  He was having himself a nice little picket fence underwater daydream as he headed towards the light. But, the next thing you know, he was upchucking ocean face down in the sand and gasping for a breath while Sally rode him bareback.  Once it was apparent he might survive, she rolled him over, kissed him square on the lips and looked him dead in the eye as she told him in that tender way of hers, “You ain’t getting’ off that easy Buckaroo. I accept!” 

(c) 2010 ~ Authors Zelda Martin and Harry B. Sanderford
First premiered ~ AT THE BIJOU!

It's no fuzzy daydream folks ~ You really did just read another calamitous MADAM Z and HARRY duet of distinction. (Man oh man, that Sanderford fella sure gets around when women have pens ~ and know how to use 'em!) I could tell you a purty awful lot about these two wily wonderful creatures of crazed creativity . . . but then again, you can take a peak of a peek for yourself right here, at Zelda's place, get your z's, and here, where Harry hangs out his posterous for posterity. Read 'em and grin ~ That's what these very fine author'folk are all about.

The two of you naked on the beach ... well, you know what I mean -
was a tremendous showcase of a true grit scene! Cue music.

~ Absolutely*Kate
and the fine staff of renown


Paul D Brazill said...

Fantastic! A great start to the day. Yee- haa!

Mike Whitney said...

Gritty realism, fanciful fiction, happy ending. Sigh.

Mike Whitney said...

Mongo like Happy Ending!

Pamila Payne said...

What a wonderful love/slapstick comedy/action adventure story! I couldn't help picturing Calamity Jane and Charlie Utter from Deadwood, which made me love it all the more.

Kate Pilarcik ~ absolutely said...

Did I just hear Paul Brazill yelp out a "Yee-haa"? (It's his accent - otherwise it would've been a "yee-haw").

Oh, this harbingers well.
~ Absolutely*Kate, seeing Mongo has made friends with the Phantom of the BIJOU as well.

Bows and Curtsey most definitely deserved Sal and Sam ... but get some clothes on before you sit down in any red velvet seats, OK?

Joseph Grant said...

Great cowboy duet!

Crybbe666 said...

What a fun and fanciful read. Congrats, you two, on a wonderful piece!!

Anonymous said...

Hilarious! I loved every minute of this. I saw it as, ANNIE GET YOUR GUN ON THE SANDS OF ETERNITY. Great Duo!

Wendy said...

Great duet between Sal and her vaquero. Loved it!

Harry said...

Thanks everyone,you guys are the best! It was alot of fun getting back in the saddle with Madam Z, thanks Zelda!

Daniel said...

Howdy do da day! That sho was one fine bit a scrawl! Sam's my kinda dreamer and Sal, well she's got some dream in her too. Madame Z and Harry, hoo yeah.

Jodi MacArthur said...

Haha! Pamila mentioned Calamity Jane and I was thinking of her too. Fun fun fun in the sun. SO glad I didn't miss this!

austere said...

This was so.. so cute.
And I picked up some epithets.
Great work.

Unknown said...

I'm late to the table here but yeah ... I certainly pick up on the Calamity Jane vibe totally. A great rip-roaring little piece Zelda and Harry!

Laurita said...

This was hilarious. Just as I stopped laughing I read another line and started again. I think Sam is in big trouble. Yee-ha.

Madam Z said...

Thank you, Harry, my favorite inspirer-conspirer! And thank you, Kate, my favorite provider of places to post inspired conspiracies. And thanks to all you appreciative commentators!