Thursday, December 17, 2009

A New Script for Johnny and Me ~ by Madam Z of Harbinger*33

A New Script for Johnny and Me
~ By Madam Z, though some whisper she as 'Zelda'

Zelda: But Johnny, I'm so much older than you, you can't really want me to go to bed with you, can you?
Johnny: Zelda, I have waited for you since I was Edward Scissorhands. I saw you in the audience and knew that you were the woman that could heal me. My soul was tortured. I was only half a man. But I could tell that you were not attracted to me then. Perhaps it was the hands that put you off. But when I made the movie "Chocolat," I thought of you again, and made sure that the movie would be shown in Lancaster, at a discount theater, so you would go see it. I watched you from the balcony as your eyes rolled back in your head during the love scenes.
Then I did some research on you and discovered that you have a secret fascination with pirates. So I persuaded the studio to make a quick movie based on the Disneyland feature, "Pirates of the Caribbean." There wasn't time to create a whole new story...after all, you were getting older by the minute. And I knew you'd love Jack Sparrow.
Zelda: Oh yes, Johnny! From the moment I saw Captain Jack, I knew I would walk the plank for him. He could harpoon me anytime. And when you, I mean Jack, kissed the leading lady - OMIGOD! It was so sensuous, so lascivious. I gave up my treasure right there in the theater!
Johnny: Ah-ha! My gamble paid off! And what did you think of the sequel, my dear?
Zelda: Well, Johnny, to tell you the truth, it was a bit tedious. And you weren't on the screen as much as that hideous octupus-thingy. So I had to go home afterwards and watch my taped version of "Chocolat" to re-kindle my Depp-lust. But now, you're here and...and...wait - I can't! I'm married, and're just saying all of this because you know I'm the president of your fan club, aren't you?
Johnny: What?? Of course not! I'm in love with you because you're one of the famous "Harbinger 33" authors. I've read your writing and am captivated by it. Also, I'm hoping you'll introduce me to Sugar. I hear you and she are always fighting over Harry, so I'll give him some competition.
Zelda: I don't know, Johnny. With my luck, you and Harry will be fighting over Sugar and I'll be deep-sixed. Though it breaks my heart, I must send you back to the video store. Arrrrrr...

 (c) Madam Z, 2009 ~ of Harbinger*33 . . . where, when you are very fortunate, you shall indeed read-relish MORE!  

* * * * * *
Ahhhh, what do you say about Madam Z? A tall, willowy Amazon with flame-red hair and jade-green eyes? No, not enough ~ she's rambunctious zest personified, inner zen gypzee casting spells at night. It has been rumoured that she put the "z" in zing as it held no potency when just "ing". Zelda is nuttin' if not potency.

Aboard the mighty ship Harbinger*33, she's the Pirate*Queen. (I'm serious, you can't make stuff like this up. Ask Sir Barry the Northener ~ she bade him design her a flag, and the other lusty sailors hoisted it up the main'mast, lickety-split. I told ya - Z's potent!) . . . But more, much more than this, she's talent. She's a message in any bottle waiting to parch a reader's quenching spirit.

More entizing Zelda can be found wherever you hear police sirens or quiet moans, or where you sail or roam to GET-YOUR-Zs < right there! (Ponder well, but be perplexed not. Z-sense makes sense and leaves common sense in da dust!)

Topsail thanks to you Queen of the Pirates, Madam Z . . . Never a dull-bladed moment with the swash you buckle as writer*woman par excellence.
Honoured we all are that your zest o'talents be aboard Harbinger*33, sailing to its publishing journey of manifesting destinies.

~ Gusto and Goodness; FairWinds, Favourable Seas

~ Absolutely*Kate
and readers desiring all the more ~ their Z's


EC said...

Very funny Madam Z...but the sex?...I had my hopes up.
I actually got to see Johnny Depp in person when he came into my sandwich shop in Spokane while making the movie Benny and Joon. Even so much more breathtaking in person!! I couldn’t work for the rest of the day ♥

Harry said...

Madamoiselle Z's mark supercedes Zorro's when it comes to swashbuckling and un-buckling!

Wendy said...

Madame Zinger, I'll say it again because it bears repeating...I learned to share in Kindergarten. Let's talk...let's make a plan...

Madam Z said...

Kate,your zealous praize haz made me blush! And that'z no small feat! And though I have small feet, I fear I am not worthy. But I will strive, oh yes, strive MIGHTILY, to live up to your ezteemed eztimations of my zinginess.

Erin, you must understand...I am a shy lass, and reluctant to make public my wild escapades. Maybe I should have a couple of drinks before I write my next script...

Harry - Buckle up, Cowboy! Sugar and I are making plans!

Sugar - I'm in! I'll meet you at the SideTrack Tap tomorrow at 7 pm.

Kate Pilarcik ~ absolutely said...

Geeezzzzz Z, I thought I just liked you and your writing, but to know we have "Au Chocolat" in common speaks celluoloid freeze'frame volumes to me, the way a wind comes up and moves gypzees to their next deztination . . . well, you know what I mean.

You surpassed the Lancaster outta clever no matter what the discount price. Harbinger*33 appreci'kated the arrggghhy plug so much that the skimpy pirate garb is yours from CostumeCentral to flaunt. And when therez flaunting to be staged, well, you're the grace of that spotlight. Great piece and *THANKS* again for letting it run its fun AT THE BIJOU, where writers' faves are all the raves.

~ Absolutely*Kate and the fine BIJOU staff of renown

Anonymous said...

"Z" this was a fun read. Dare I say this? Yes! "Don't frett Madam Z. The only deep six
Johnny would give a woman like yourself... is from his fandango.

Unknown said...

Great concept Z... Mr. Depp would be proud as would be his eclectic cast of characters.

Laurita said...

You can send him to me!

Hilarious. Johnny Depp and a good laugh - a perfect way to start off the weekend.

Harry said...

Buckle up? Heck, I'm thinking of switching to velcro!

Paul D Brazill said...

A hoot, as they say.

Jelena said...

Hahaha, this was very funny and cool. Johnny should be the president of your fan club. It's only fair!

Angel Zapata said...

This is so funny. Great perspective.

So, uh, when he was Willy Wonka, what exactly was he communicating to you?

Madam Z said...

Thank you all for your kind comments.

Uh, Angel, I try not to think of Willy Wonka. He gave me the willies.

Tuonela said...

Ah, Madam Zalacious, thanks for this funny and slightly disturbing look through your Secret Window into your Depp-seated fixation… (I don’t suppose you could put in a good word for me concerning Miss Knightley…? No, I thought not.)